Smug cars driven by smug people.  You know the sort.  Relentlessly superficially pleased with themselves at every level.  Just a couple of kids so they can tut behind their friends' backs who have to buy a people carrier and have houses that have smelt of kid's sick for more than 10 years.  Always the first to have the HD ready TV, the first to visit Croatia, spend a fortune on subtle brands and yet still try an do their bit for the planet.

So what do they drive?  Well, they don't drive people carriers, that's for sure.  They would never lower themselves to drive something as style-free as that.  And why should they?  They managed to maintain a grip on their sperm in a way that Roger and Julia clearly weren't capable of so why should they have to drive a glorified van and take holidays in Cornwall or go camping for the foreseeable future.

But they do really need an estate.  It should be German, stylish and "nippy" and lo the annual Smug Car of The Year challenge was sparked off with the arrival of the legendary Audi 1.9 tdi 130 Avant.  We all had to endure teeth-shatteringly tedious rants from po-faced cunts about how much room there was, how fast it was and how it genuinely did 50 mpg (even if the reality wasn't close).  Nothing can be more smug than speed coupled with planet saving economy.  Well nothing apart from demonstrating to your friends how you can overtake in fourth with a "feel that surge" comment coupled with a cheeky wink.  I even once had to stand outside a friends car and peer through the window at his sleeping child on a blazing hot day whilst he demonstrated how good the Climate control was. 

Nothing came close to the Audi for a while.  Audi is pure smug brand.  Forget the digital brakes and useless steering, as an aspirational brand they cannot be trumped.  The A2 had a brief moment of fame and then the TT came along to strengthen an already strong brand like nothing ever had before.  Tales of horrified Jeremys disappearing backwards into hedges in early models did little to dent sales and even allowed a little tiny glimpse of danger to increase the attractiveness of the world's safest brand. 

But time moved on and the Audi dated.  One thing the smug couple cannot have is last years model so they looked around for new options. 

Along popped the BMW 530D.  BMW will never match Audi for smugness but boy did the 530D come close.  It was a materially better car than the Audi and genuinely quick.  A few choice raves from the motoring press and very quickly the A4 was being traded in.  In Touring form they had more space, more pace and they could continue to lie to themselves about fuel economy.  In reality the automatic 530D struggles to better 35 mpg but this is of absolutely no importance to our smug couple who, lets not forget, have paid the guts of £40K for this car after they have specced it up to a suitable level.

But again time marches on and the 530D ages.  Some smugs move to the 330D ("really we didn't need the space of the 5-series and this is even faster and more economical") and some made the arrogant step up to an X5 3.0D (I know it's a 4X4 and I always swore I wouldn't get one but with all these speed bumps it really makes sense and I just feel safer.  It's just as economical as the 530D too")

But there was a gap.  We needed a new star and nobody  dreamed it would come from the Orient.  A car so smug that even Brad and Jen bought one.  Surely they had to be the world's smuggest couple although their position has recently been usurped by Chris "sweaty" Martin and Gwyneth "cuntface" Paltrow" - X5 3.0d drivers by the way.  Brad has rightly seen the error of his ways and used his status as the world's best looking movie star to bag the world's filthiest bit of totty.

But I digress.  The smug saviour was the Toyota Prius.  Oh man was this a smug car.  Relatively useless fuel consumption but it represented the future!  Planet saving smugness wrapped up in a 50's vision of the jet age. Genius.  Park this on your drive along with a Smart car and you had reached the pinnacle of automotive smugness. 

Except that not really very many people did.  It wasn't really all that stylish to our smug couple and their two smug kids and it wasn't a lifestyle estate.  And indeed, at the end of the day, it was Japanese and that can never be truly smug.  Everybody knows that a truly smug car has to be German.

So again a gap developed.  Audi revamped the A4 again but really it's time was over.  The new 5-series wasn't really different enough and the 3-series had become as ubiquitous as a Mark 4 Ford Cortina.  Mr and Mrs Smug needed a new saviour.  Something hip and just different enough with a few interesting design features to point out to their bored friends. 

What we needed now was something new and smug enough to help people forget diesels. They have had their day really for the smugs. All diesels are nippy and economical now and nobody can really be arsed being green any more. Organic food and supporting Jamie's quest to feed our kids better is more important.

But what car to pick up your £3.20 broccoli from Waitrose in? Well a strange thing happened at the same time. Apple invented the iPod and this was quite simply the most effectively smug toy ever made. Hugely over-priced and a wonderful smug mix of under and over design. The smugs were totally hooked. 10,000 songs in one little package was the direct equivalent of a nippy car and the small size the equivalent of 50 mpg.

But what car would match this new icon? Step forward the iPod ready BMW 1-series. A vile piece of design but perfect for Mr and Mrs Smug. He can rabbit on about rwd and perfect weight distribution to his friends. This despite the fact that he is saved from any exposure to dangerous rwd by ludicrously oversized tyres and an enormously effective traction control system. She can smugly look at the 4X4 owners again and tut and enjoy plugging her iPod conspicuously into it's wee slot which is more than can be said about Mr Smug's attention to her slot in the past few years.

It would appear that her desire for a caring sharing husband has resulted in her marrying a faggot. And indeed "up her hole with a big jam roll"

Chesney